1. My new AC unit that is devoid of mold and keeps me nice and cold at night
2. The opportunity to have loved, even if squandered in many ways
3. Lots of good friends who truly care for and love and support me
4. parents who love me despite everything I have put them through
5. a job that pays extremely well and affords me lots of flexibility
6. my ability to meet new people and form friendships
7. the summer
8. girls with big butts that show them off
9. a good night’s rest
10. the resilience of the human body, that I survived the skiing crash and am still doing so well

My friends

Shawn, nick, charlie, rustom, cal, barron, austin, chris, stephen, nate, ben, russell, alejandro, sheila, kenny, matt, sanya, alex, javier and many more

Over the last week or so, we’ve been talking and the entire time we both knew what was in the back of each other’s minds. It won’t work unless we live in the same place. I don’t know if I can move across the world and dump everything I’ve built up here in the US – my career, my family, my friends… She isn’t willing to move unless it’s a sure thing that we date in a committed long lasting relationship, and I can’t promise that. All I could promise is that I would give it a shot, and that’s not enough. I get it. It’s sad. We talked yesterday, I tried not to cry on the phone as I walked around the mall looking for an AC unit. We both agreed that it won’t realistically work with the distance, neither of us were angry but it was the reality we are facing, and sometimes love isn’t enough. We decided to stop talking, cold turkey, at the end of the week. I don’t know if it’ll work. I doubt it will. Shawn laughed at me when I told him that was the plan, not maliciously, but he doesn’t see it happening either. He is a good friend. I’m scared, and I don’t want to hurt her, or maybe I just don’t want to be in trouble with someone I love. I guess those are both valiant, pure things to feel. Maybe. I’m embarrassed at the idea that I could secretly not want to do anything because I’m afraid of being in trouble. It seems spineless. Sometimes I think that deep down, I just don’t want to be hassled by another person, and that scares me. The thought that I really don’t care or empathize with their suffering and I just want more time to do shit I like when it’s convenient for me. What a monstrous trait. What a terrifying way to live. Or cowardly. The cowardice of guilt without honesty. Lying to protect yourself at the expense of someone else. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” Seems like the moment you lie, you damage something. You damage who the other person is, in your own mind and soul. You devalue them against yourself or someone else. That seems damaging.

I could go see another girl anytime I want, she’s practically begging me to come visit her as soon as possible. I keep pushing it off because I don’t want to hurt her. Or because I don’t want to get in trouble. I still haven’t made up my mind on myself. Side bar – I should figure that out because if I can’t love/respect myself then there are some deeper things at stake. My friends tell me I don’t owe her anything, but I don’t want to hurt her and I think that’s okay. I also really want to go to visit this other girl and have fun, for me. Why would I feel so guilty? It’s because the other girl represents some deep seeded distrust and disrespect I have with myself like in my side bar. That’s a shame, she is a lot of fun. Or more shameful, I may do it anyway.

I never talk to myself anymore. I treat myself as one single entity, there is no discourse. It’s like there’s a second voice in my head, that’s been silenced. There’s my pleasure-driven base self that is loud, and then my second voice. A voice that is rugged, stubborn, and disciplined, yet kind and encouraging. “Come on you piece of shit, drag yourself out of bed and do the things you know will fix these problems, these feelings of inadequacy, this self-pity. You know what to do, so buckle down and work hard and fix it.” That voice has been so quiet. I need to start talking to myself more, become my own friend again, have fun with myself. I should be my own best friend, or at least damn close. Maybe that’s what friends are – people you like more than yourself, and people that make you closer with yourself, that calm you and bring you inner peace. I want to tell myself jokes and laugh without guilt or shame in my mind. I want the innocence of loving myself back. Perhaps yearning for this past, child-like self love is naive, maybe the love is different but it must still be pure and joyous. I want it. The path is through ownership of my actions and responsibility to my duties, a pride in my discipline. I’m not special. I always thought I was because I believed my mind was more capable than others and that brought me pride. Anyone can have good ideas, anyone can believe in their own intellect, – it’s worthless. The only thing that has worth, the only true foundation is action, and the deeds you have accomplished. Things that matter to you, that are personally important. The reckless passion to pursue hobbies you enjoy, with no shame of being seen diving into them.

Maybe sales type personalities are good at reading people because when they were children, they thought less. Strange open, but stay with me. They thought less, so they reacted quicker. They had a faster feedback path to desired behaviors and outcomes from the behaviors. Shorter critical paths, not as much processing needed. Since they acted first and thought second, they probably learned like animals from different types of reinforcements – quick reactions to acquiesce the human mind on the other side of the interaction. Steeper learning curve because there wasn’t much forethought, but what it lacked in foresight it made up for in raw data and the number of interactions to learn from at this baser level.

The Gentlemen Bandit, the Duke of Pizza, King/Chief Daddy

“A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials” – Seneca

Life can be difficult. Even when things seem good in life, when objectively you’re on a good trajectory, life is so multi-faceted that there’s always something that could be different. Something that could be better. It’s this constant friction that shapes who we are. Mountains are chiseled by the wind, and valleys carved by the running water, just as we are contoured by the weathering effects in our lives. No man is made during the happiest of hours. I’ve been struggling lately with many things in my life, and it’s been overwhelming. Like I’ve been holding a pallet and weights continued to be added so it becomes paralyzing, keeping me from moving more than in pained, erratic jerks.

My career seems okay, but I have lost my passion. My manager yelled at me for things I could be doing differently, and I really haven’t responded well, or ever truly forgiven him. It was the very day that I decided I am no longer interested in continuing to work for him. These feelings need to be actionable, and so there are a few things for me to think about: where do I want to be? What career do I want to build? What things are most important to me in my career? These decisions will shape my life.

My love life is a mess. It truly always has been, and it stems from mismanaging expectations for myself and others. I find myself in love with a girl on the other side of the world, slowly understanding more and more that all relationships have problems and most are ones you can work through. It’s a lot less black and white, which adds complications. Maybe someone has bad habits for communicating when angry – you could probably work through it, but is it worth it? That’s the crux of the issue, that everything is a trade off, an investment. It’s funny, talking with friends someone mentioned that his standards are pretty low for a relationship but they are still hard to find – they live on the same continent, they have a decent career so you aren’t funding their lifestyle, and they don’t have kids. It’s a lot easier to avoid problems early, than to resolve problems after they’ve manifested. I could have not fallen in love with a girl that would leave the country, but here I am now ravished emotionally because I feel guilty that I won’t move across the world. I felt guilty for not marrying her in the past because she wanted it deeply. Even though I believe I’m doing the right thing for me, it is so hard, and so painful to move forward through it especially when we’re still in contact because I let that contact fill me with guilt and questions. She’s one of my best friends though and it would hurt so much without her around, it would leave me so alone. I’m sure those things fade with time, but it does not change the fear. What if I never find love again? I don’t feel particularly loveable. I feel like I upset her a lot. At the end of the day, I am not ready for a commitment to someone on the other side of the world, I’m not even really ready for much of a commitment to someone physically near me (although I haven’t had that option for years so who knows what I would really do). I feel like I’m stumbling blindly through this love, ripping it away and putting it back and ripping it away over and over again. I don’t know what to do. My head gets too fuzzy when we talk, and nothing I thought of objectively before seems to make sense anymore.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton